The Musings of an Every day, Average Girl

Because who doesn't want to read the random, jumbled thoughts of a boring 26 year old

Unworthy… — 31st Jan 2019

Unworthy…

When I was younger, I always felt like I wasn’t enough. I’m not sure what I thought needed to change I just remember I never felt good enough.

I think this is largely down to my dad not really wanting a relationship with me. I mean, he did try, he was (and still is ) battling his own demons and I guess children got in the way or added more to that fight. (Stereotypical daddy issues I apologise!)

I had a Mum and Step-dad who were always there for me and never let me go without but I couldn’t let go of that feeling.

Fast forward to 16, I had a serious attitude and major confidence but I was happy. I finally felt enough, especially when i met my ex-boyfriend who was older than me and obviously just the coolest person ever.

Now, I know I’m not supposed to measure my worth based on what others think of me but unfortunately, I’ve been that way my whole life. Especially with men. It’s dysfunctional and sad I know and I do believe in my 26th year of life I’m finally starting to realise that it really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks and I’m never going to please everyone.

Anyway, 16 years old, older boyfriend, life was great. The first year or so was amazing. Then he started lying to me, talking to other girls, spending my money, cheating on me and the rest of it. I was right back in that place of not feeling good enough. Instead of saying “He’s an idiot who doesn’t deserve me, I don’t need to put up with this” I used to cry myself to sleep thinking, what can I change about myself, how can I make him happier, what do these girls have that I don’t? I stuck with him for over 7 years because I truly believed no one else would want me and it was better to put up with all this shit than to be alone.

The whole thing broke me. I know people age and mature but I lost all my confidence, I’m so much more shy than I used to be and I second guess everything I do. I’m still picking up the pieces.

My boyfriend now is honestly a saint. I don’t know how he puts up with me and my mood swings. My past experiences make me constantly ask him if he loves me. I sometimes think hes only with me until he finds someone better and I find it so hard to believe him when he tells me I’m beautiful or how much he loves me.

Another silly thing is that people always say to me “oh he’s so good to you, you’re so lucky to have him” and obviously I know that and I feel so lucky everyday but no one says that to him about me (except my best friend who is an actual babe).

I don’t really know the point of this. I guess I’m trying to say it’s okay if it takes you a while to figure stuff out. And its okay if it takes you a while to get over things.Everybody reacts to things differently.

It’s never okay for someone else to make you question your worth and, even though it’s easier said than done, you should try to remove them from your life.

I wish I had the strength to do something about it sooner but I’ve learnt a lot and grown from it.

It so cliche’ to say but there is someone for everyone. Someone who’ll make you feel uplifted and loved. Just be patient! And if you’ve already found them remember the important things, don’t let silly arguments get in the way.

I should go now, I’m getting a bit soppy.

Be kind to each other (I know Ellen says something like this but it’s all I want in the world).

A xo

Advertisements
It’s Tuesday Again… — 22nd Jan 2019

It’s Tuesday Again…

This one isn’t so bad though. It’s my dad’s (well, technically step-dad but I’ve never referred to him as that) birthday.

My dad started dating my mum when I was still in her womb. He’s been with me my whole life which is why I call him dad, papa, daddy etc. He did what my real dad couldn’t for many years and I love him unconditionally for it.

See, my real dad has problems with drugs and alcohol and for years they got in the way (they still do). We used to live like 15 miles from each other but I’d still only see him once every few months. Don’t get me wrong, he’s my dad and I love him but I’m still not ready to forgive him. When I see him it’s like nothing is wrong, like he didn’t pick other stuff over me and brothers for so long (and continues to do so), like he actually did pay my mum child support, like he did come to school plays, choir performances, football matches and all the rest of it. And, most importantly, like we aren’t basically strangers. I think that parents should reach out to children, no matter how old they are or anything. I shouldn’t have to beg my dad to see me and I don’t want to go back to the place of me thinking I am not good enough. I am not worthy of his time or attention or love.

My step-dad can look at me and know what mood I am. He was with me through my horrible teenage years where I was so angry and destructive my mum almost sent me away because she couldn’t cope. I said some stuff to him during this time that I am not proud of and it pains me to my soul to think about it now.

This is the man who raised me and taught me about life. The man who saved me from all the spiders and bugs. The man who showed me what a dad is supposed to be and who showed me I am good enough, I am worthy and I do deserve love. I will be forever grateful that he chose my mum and her 3 kids. I will be forever grateful that he gave me my greatest friend, the most important person in my life, my baby sister. And I will be forever grateful that he continues to love and support us all, even after everything he has been through.

He won’t ever read this but that’s okay. I just wanted ya’ll to know that it’s my dad’s birthday and I love him.

I hope everyone’s Tuesday is glorious. Be kind to each other.

A xo

Tuesday. — 15th Jan 2019

Tuesday.

I was born on a Tuesday.

Maybe this is why it’s my least favourite day. I was forced to come into the world and exist, on a Tuesday.

Or, it’s just because Tuesday is shit for everyone.

A xo

The Week Before. —

The Week Before.

It’s around a week until my period starts which means I have entered the war zone.

I’ll write about this in more detail at a later time because I don’t have the concentration levels right now. I just need to try and figure it out for myself!

The week or 2 before my period comes is honestly the worst time of my cycle. When my period finally arrives, I feel a lot better. The time before is when my mood changes so drastically I have contemplated suicide. Its when my body aches so much I’ve had time off work to just sit in a warm bath and cry because doing anything else hurts. It’s when I have headaches more painful than any migraine I’ve ever had. The list goes on. (This is down to what I believe is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which I’ll try and explain another time).

I am a very self-deprecating person normally, I joke about my insecurities because if I laugh about them and someone else points them out it won’t hurt as much right?! During this time though, I truly hate everything about myself, I’m usually able to list a few things that I think I have going for me but not right now.

Feeling useless/hopeless is horrible because no one can say anything to you to make it better. They tell you not be silly or say nice things about you but you can’t believe them. The little voice in your head is saying “That’s not true They are lying to you. You’re not worth any ones time or thoughts.” It’s soul destroying.

The whole thing is honestly exhausting.

It’s hard to explain to people because periods are something most women have to deal with and I’m not trying to out-do anyone’s suffering. I just want a month where I feel like myself for more than 1 week.

Anyway, I’ll stop moaning now. I know i don’t have it as bad as some people. I’m working on improving my health which should hopefully help with all of this.

Oh, I have been to the doctors about this. I documented my symptoms over 3 cycles and went, shaking with a list in my hand that had them all written on. He glanced at it, told me it was PMS and prescribed me antidepressants to take “when I felt I needed them”. That was a tearful ride home.

I will go again but first I want to do everything in my power to improve my health so I know if the problem persists, it’s down to more than needing to loose weight.

I told you Tuesday was the worst!

A xo

Weekend Woes, Monday Blues. — 14th Jan 2019

Weekend Woes, Monday Blues.

Unpopular opinion (maybe I don’t know) but I don’t think Monday is that bad. I get stuff done. I do have dentist later though. Reason to dislike it a little. Tuesday however, Tuesday is the worst.

My weekend felt slow and fast all at the same time and even though I spent Saturday afternoon in bed with pizza (ham and pineapple sourdough, yes I like pineapple on pizza and I will fight for it until I die) watching Luther (we will talk more about him at a later date) I still feel like I barely had any time to myself. But I did. What is wrong with me?!

Saturday morning I got out of bed at 10 and got straight in the shower. This is rare. It may have had something to do with the fact that I was a little bit hungover (or still drunk I don’t know) and when I’m in that state I’m actually more productive than I normally am. Does anyone else get that? I feel like if I keep myself busy and occupied I won’t have time to think about how shit I feel. Also, I did have to be somewhere so I HAD to get up.

I went to a wedding show with my boyfriends mum and aunt (his aunt is getting married) and it was glorious. It also made me realise how much money is made from people getting married and how it may have all turned into a bit of a circus. Don’t get me wrong, I cant wait to get married and I’ve already got an idea of what I want but I go from wanting that to wanting a quick service in a registry office with 2 witnesses.

Jay (my boyfriend, it’s to much effort to type boyfriend all the time) doesn’t really buy into the whole marriage thing. He thinks society has evolved past that and that it isn’t necessary anymore. I agree with him but at the same time I love the thought of being his wife. And yes I know I don’t need a piece of paper to show that we love each other but I think its much more than that. It shows commitment and loyalty. Also, I know he wouldn’t want a big fuss which is why I flit between the 2 ideas. Ultimately, it’s about me and him. I wouldn’t want to disappoint our families but we are pretty low-key by nature and I think out wedding (if it ever happens!) will reflect that.

I do feel guilty, I know the biggest reason Jay would get married is because I want to and he knows it’s important to me. I’m still tempted to elope somewhere (although even that isn’t as easy as it used to be!) but I know some other things need to happen first.

Anyway, enough about weddings, that took a very long turn!

On Sunday, I did my first ever 5K on the treadmill at the gym. Now, I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal but to me, it is. I hate walking, I hate running, I hate exercise. Actually, that’s a lie, I don’t hate it, I hate my inability to do the things I want to do, I hate that I’m on a slow journey of improving my fitness and my health. So actually, I’m just impatient and I need to learn that I can’t do everything at once, no one can really.

So yes, 5K. I completed it in 36 mins which I know is very slow but it’s a good starting point and something I can improve on. I asked Jay when I had finished if I was red and he said “a little”. Let me tell me you, it was more than a little. I was still red after a shower. I wear over ear headphones, big ones, so my ears were all sweaty and my hair was wet. Honestly, I don’t know why I do it.

Sunday was pretty productive, I did the 5K (should I mention it one more time? GUYS I DID 5K ON SUNDAY AND I’M PRETTY PROUD) and then I had a driving lesson (I know 26 and still can’t drive, it’s not good enough!) which went pretty good. I’ve only had 3 lessons and I feel like I’m doing alright so we will see how it goes! I stalled once and I’ve realised the clutch will probably never be my friend.

I don’t really know the point of this anymore. Just giving you all the run down on my boring weekend!

A xo

When There’s Really No Hope (joking, there’s always hope) — 12th Jan 2019

When There’s Really No Hope (joking, there’s always hope)

So many blogs. So many people aspiring to achieve the same thing. So challenging thinking of interesting, relevant content.

I say that, I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve. I’m in this big old pond fighting for attention but at the same time I don’t want anyone else to lose out (I’m not very distracting any way so no body panic!). And, I’ve already said I’m pretty boring so really I don’t need to think of interesting content (well done for getting that nipped in the bud Ames).

I used to think the only people who read blogs were bloggers. I almost started making vlogs because I thought it was an easier way to reach a larger audience. Then I remembered I hate being on camera and hearing myself talk makes me never want to talk again (why do I sound so horrible?!) I always listen to recordings and I honestly don’t believe I sound like that. Everyone gets that though right?

Anyway, I have only just started this whole thing and, to be honest, I’m feeling very overwhelmed. I am the queen of starting things and never finishing them, every few months I just HAVE to try a new hobby, I spend money on it, read online about it, look on Pinterest for hours and hours and then I give up after 2 or 3 weeks. I think (and don’t tell anyone this) it’s partly because I have no will power. I think to myself in my head ” Yes Ames, you can do this! You’ve got this” or “Tomorrow I’ll start that. Tomorrow is the day” but it never is. I am unhappy with a few things in my life but I have no motivation to change them, I’m actually pretty lazy, I mean, I go to the gym (I don’t work nearly as hard as I should but I do alright) but I’m mentally lazy. I don’t exercise my brain enough and I’m hoping this will help. My brain isn’t the same sponge it used to be so it’s getting harder!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect a lot of people to read this (my whole blog for that matter) and in all honesty, that’s not the reason I’m doing it. I’m going to write about things that have been written (is it written or wrote, I don’t even know) about a million times just to get my 2 cents (or, in true British fashion, to put in my two-penny worth) in. I know no one really cares and I know sometimes I’ll be speaking absolute shit but if it gets it out of my head, I’m all for that.

And this is exactly what I mean, I’ve forgotten why I started writing this! I hope it sort of makes sense and I hope I haven’t made anyone fall asleep. I’m yawning myself now.

A xo -(Is this too Gossip Girl? I mean I’ve never seen it but I get the gist)

It’s The Little Things —

It’s The Little Things

This is a really quick one but last night I went to an engagement party for my boyfriend’s brother and his absolute babe of a fiance. It was such a good night and I had a lush time.

So, normally I need to be at least 3 drinks, 2 shots in to even think about dancing but last night I was brave and just went for it (small accomplishments people, cherish them).

My boyfriend’s little sister (she’s 15 so she’s fairly little, looks like an angel, plays piano like a queen) told me I was a good dancer and I had good rythem. I’ve honestly never been happier (okay obviously I have but this is way up there).

It just made me think that I want to start saying those little things to people, no matter how small it seems. I like to think that most people like being told they are good at something. There’s already too much negativity in the world and if people’s internal monologues are anything like mine then they are negative af.

What she said will stick with me (and maybe she just and it to be nice but I think any praise from a 15 year old should be taken seriously!) And the next time I get up to dance I hopefully won’t have that massive moment of self-consciousness.

The whole party made me realise how lucky I am that I have a second family who’s taken me in and treated me like one of their own.

Anyway, I’m sorry if this was a bit rambling. I had too many gins last night and I may be slightly intoxicated still but it’s all good. I need to find food.

A xo

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started