When I was younger, I always felt like I wasn’t enough. I’m not sure what I thought needed to change I just remember I never felt good enough.
I think this is largely down to my dad not really wanting a relationship with me. I mean, he did try, he was (and still is ) battling his own demons and I guess children got in the way or added more to that fight. (Stereotypical daddy issues I apologise!)
I had a Mum and Step-dad who were always there for me and never let me go without but I couldn’t let go of that feeling.
Fast forward to 16, I had a serious attitude and major confidence but I was happy. I finally felt enough, especially when i met my ex-boyfriend who was older than me and obviously just the coolest person ever.
Now, I know I’m not supposed to measure my worth based on what others think of me but unfortunately, I’ve been that way my whole life. Especially with men. It’s dysfunctional and sad I know and I do believe in my 26th year of life I’m finally starting to realise that it really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks and I’m never going to please everyone.
Anyway, 16 years old, older boyfriend, life was great. The first year or so was amazing. Then he started lying to me, talking to other girls, spending my money, cheating on me and the rest of it. I was right back in that place of not feeling good enough. Instead of saying “He’s an idiot who doesn’t deserve me, I don’t need to put up with this” I used to cry myself to sleep thinking, what can I change about myself, how can I make him happier, what do these girls have that I don’t? I stuck with him for over 7 years because I truly believed no one else would want me and it was better to put up with all this shit than to be alone.
The whole thing broke me. I know people age and mature but I lost all my confidence, I’m so much more shy than I used to be and I second guess everything I do. I’m still picking up the pieces.
My boyfriend now is honestly a saint. I don’t know how he puts up with me and my mood swings. My past experiences make me constantly ask him if he loves me. I sometimes think hes only with me until he finds someone better and I find it so hard to believe him when he tells me I’m beautiful or how much he loves me.
Another silly thing is that people always say to me “oh he’s so good to you, you’re so lucky to have him” and obviously I know that and I feel so lucky everyday but no one says that to him about me (except my best friend who is an actual babe).
I don’t really know the point of this. I guess I’m trying to say it’s okay if it takes you a while to figure stuff out. And its okay if it takes you a while to get over things.Everybody reacts to things differently.
It’s never okay for someone else to make you question your worth and, even though it’s easier said than done, you should try to remove them from your life.
I wish I had the strength to do something about it sooner but I’ve learnt a lot and grown from it.
It so cliche’ to say but there is someone for everyone. Someone who’ll make you feel uplifted and loved. Just be patient! And if you’ve already found them remember the important things, don’t let silly arguments get in the way.
I should go now, I’m getting a bit soppy.
Be kind to each other (I know Ellen says something like this but it’s all I want in the world).