This one isn’t so bad though. It’s my dad’s (well, technically step-dad but I’ve never referred to him as that) birthday.

My dad started dating my mum when I was still in her womb. He’s been with me my whole life which is why I call him dad, papa, daddy etc. He did what my real dad couldn’t for many years and I love him unconditionally for it.

See, my real dad has problems with drugs and alcohol and for years they got in the way (they still do). We used to live like 15 miles from each other but I’d still only see him once every few months. Don’t get me wrong, he’s my dad and I love him but I’m still not ready to forgive him. When I see him it’s like nothing is wrong, like he didn’t pick other stuff over me and brothers for so long (and continues to do so), like he actually did pay my mum child support, like he did come to school plays, choir performances, football matches and all the rest of it. And, most importantly, like we aren’t basically strangers. I think that parents should reach out to children, no matter how old they are or anything. I shouldn’t have to beg my dad to see me and I don’t want to go back to the place of me thinking I am not good enough. I am not worthy of his time or attention or love.

My step-dad can look at me and know what mood I am. He was with me through my horrible teenage years where I was so angry and destructive my mum almost sent me away because she couldn’t cope. I said some stuff to him during this time that I am not proud of and it pains me to my soul to think about it now.

This is the man who raised me and taught me about life. The man who saved me from all the spiders and bugs. The man who showed me what a dad is supposed to be and who showed me I am good enough, I am worthy and I do deserve love. I will be forever grateful that he chose my mum and her 3 kids. I will be forever grateful that he gave me my greatest friend, the most important person in my life, my baby sister. And I will be forever grateful that he continues to love and support us all, even after everything he has been through.

He won’t ever read this but that’s okay. I just wanted ya’ll to know that it’s my dad’s birthday and I love him.

I hope everyone’s Tuesday is glorious. Be kind to each other.

A xo